Feelings

Nothing new to report really, hence the lack of posting.
We had Thanksgiving. Without Jason, not fun.
And we are now in the middle of Christmas.

It doesn't really feel like Christmas and I'm sure if it's becuse Jason is gone, or because we don't have room to do "Our Christmas"
We get to do some of the things with Jason's family but I feel like an intruder, and like they invited us because we live there so they HAD to. It's not a feeling I particularly enjoy so I have been trying to avoid that as much as possible.

I know this is going to sound like a "poor me" post and if you don't want to read it then don't. But I need to get this out of my head and the only way I know how to do that without Jason is here on MY blog.

The past few months have been hard. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of single parenthood. I read other people's posts about their children and they seem so in love with them and marvel at each moment they are there. Every word is dripping with love, awe, praise, marvel and adoration. I wish those words described my life with my kids.
It seems that lately all I have been doing is yelling at the kids and worrying if they are going to destroy something that doesn't belong to me or them. I can't seem to get a good report from teachers or friends parents or even family. I am really tired of hearing all the bad things that my kids do and after hearing it so much I am seriously doubting my ability to be a mom. I thought I was raising good kids but I haven't heard anything to support that.
I want so desperately to have great, amazing kids. and I feel like I try so hard to do a good job and it isn't working and now I find myself looking at them throught the critical eyes of others. I now no longer see the sweet accomplishments, or hear the funny things they say. I don't celebrate the little moments because I am too worried about what other mom's, or teachers or family will be thinking about my parenting or the children's latest mistake.
I feel like the worst mom and I feel very alone. With Jason gone I'm pretty much on my own.
When we lived in Grenada I made some really great friends. Friendships that I thought would last forever. We may not be able to see eachother super often but I thought that we would be able to be in touch. That these would be women who would share in what I am going through. They would be able to empathize with the struggles that come along with being a Med Student Wife. But this net of friends really hasn't existed for me. It was there during my months in Grenada but beyond that we are strangers. They have moved on and I'm trying to be OK with it. It's a hard thing for me to lose friends. I try to invest in my friends and they seriously mean the world to me. So it's hard when I lose them.

To sum it all up: I feel like a crapy mom, I feel out of place, and very alone. (I told you this would be a downer)

I don't want people to feel sorry for me. But I do wish I had some true to life, be there for you anytime, friends.
Most of you who read this are my friends, and good ones. I know you can't have those special friendships with everyone and casual friends are great too. But a girl does need some super close girlfriends. And that's what I miss.