Taken Back

When I was younger I always felt like I didn't quite fit in. Sure I had friends but I always felt like I was chasing after them trying to make them like me. I have struggled with my self esteem for as long as I can remember, and it has only been recently that I have begun to see myself in a more positive way.
However, since I have spent the majority of my life being extremely critical of myself I tend to fall back into that pattern rather easily. It is still hard for me to completely believe that I am what Jason says I am.
Lately I have been feeling particularly plagued by feelings of insecurity, and for a lack of a better phrase...left out. All my life I have wanted to feel included and wanted by my peers. I was always being left out of things when I was younger and although it seems kind of silly and immature I am seem to find myself, once again feeling alone and left out.
I always try to be the kind of friend that I wish I had. I really care about my friends. I think about what nice things I can do for them, how I can help them or what they are doing. I like to have them over for dinner and babysit their kids so they can have a nice evening with just adults. I think about my friends and how I can serve them all the time. All I want in return is for someone to think about me. But they don't. All I want is for the people that I think about and serve to include me when they do fun things. But I want them to do it because I'm their friend not because I wrote a "poor me" blog post. I don't want to beg for friends, and I certainly don't want to waste my efforts on people who don't want to be my friends. I just thought that the people whom I have come to love dearly as my friends felt the same way about me. It seems that I was mistaken. And although I'm someone who people are nice to when I'm around, I'm not someone who is included.
So as I sit here in my apartment with my kids, far away from our families, I wonder what it is that I do that makes people treat me this way. I guess I just need to straighten myself up and decide that I don't want to be friends with people who treat others that way, but it's easier said than done. So here's to trying to move on and not needing friends.